Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It's been too long....

It's been so long since I've visited this blog, that I was actually shocked when I saw the photo of myself in the header.
I found this photo today. It was the day before the dissection occurred.
(my pupils are they same size in this photo)




When I was lying in my hospital bed, I made a lot of deals with myself. With God. I had nothing but time to think.
One of the things I regretted was have SO LITTLE photos of myself with my kids.
I promised myself that I would be in more photos with them. There would be more photos of ME.

These were taken in the weeks after I left hospital. (click on the photo below to view)
I can't even put into words what I was going through here.
My head was a MESS. (tears just thinking about it) I felt horrible, I looked horrible.....but these are happy
memories of times with my children. All I can see is how little they look and how fast time goes.
And I'm so completely grateful that I'm here to see them grow. I urge you to BE in photos no matter how
you feel about yourself xx
(I've also included the most recent photo of Aria and myself.....hopefully you can tell which one it is, haha :)




I've always been completely honest and open about this journey and what I've gone through. Struggled with.
But it got to the point where I couldn't write anything without compromising the privacy of others in my life. (namely my husband)
Fair enough too - he didn't sign up for this.

I finally feel ready to share a little bit about what's been going on. (with Mark's okay)
Quite some time ago, I read an article that listed the statistics of failed marriages when one of the partners had experienced a significant weight loss. (I wish I could remember where I read it now)
I do remember that the information stuck with me.....and really annoyed me (lol) and
I swore it wouldn't affect my marriage.
In my naivety, I was thinking about it from the perspective of "the person who has lost weight".
I knew my feelings wouldn't change towards my husband just because I now look different.

What I didn't realize, is how difficult it would be for HIM to see me change. To become more confident and outgoing.
My marriage fell apart in front of my eyes. It was neither his fault, nor mine. It was both of our fault.
We've been through too much crap with my health, his health, kid dramas.
Add insecurity, depression and anxiety - we were doomed.
The last months have been HARD :( The last 17 MONTHS have been hard.

I will be okay. I'm excited about what the future holds for me and I feel stronger and healthier than ever before.

_______________________________________________________

4 Comments:

Anonymous KatherineB said...

*tears* Rachel you've REALLY made me bawl in this post (hugs) to you AND to Mark sweetie. Rachel you have been such an inspiration to me but no more than in the past few months xx

November 29, 2011 at 5:43 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Tears here too! Big hugs to you both. Takes alot to be able to share such personal things about yourselves, your relationship.

And again, you are looking gorgeous. Well done for everything you have achieved personally in the last 17 months. oxox

November 29, 2011 at 6:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a mind opener Rachel, thank you so much for sharing this. Whenever I've read this blog in the past I've thought of how your husband was coping with your health problems and how they impact your whole family, but never thought that the weight loss itself would be a problem too.

You are BOTH very brave to be able to share this. I will be carefully considering Adam's feelings much more carefully in future. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Brave, special people who deserve all the happiness (together) in the world.
love & hugs, Danielle W

November 29, 2011 at 7:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

xoxo

Peta

December 2, 2011 at 4:53 PM  

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