Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I eat to reward myself. I eat to punish myself.

Why, why, why?
Well, that is the million dollar question.

On the eve of my Psychologist appointment at the Endocrine Clinic at the PA, I thought I take the time to try and get my thoughts in order. Work out where I’ve gone wrong. Find out where I need to ask for help.

I know things derailed around Christmas time when things hit rock bottom in my relationship.

I have a fault. I lose self-worth. I lose self-worth easily. 

When things become difficult I shut down and cease to think about myself. Not in practical terms, but in actual terms.

I stop caring about my health. My well-being. My happiness. I just exist. I just get through the day.

My weight started climbing....just a little bit at a time. Not enough for me to PANIC and cause me to take action. Just....sneakily. I haven’t actually gone up any sizes in my clothing, BUT I can no longer fit into some of my favourite items :(

Sad :( It’s a vicious cycle. The tighter my clothes would become, the more depressed I would I would console myself with a scone with my coffee. Or treat myself to a White Chocolate Mocha.

I stopped exercising completely.

I weighed myself on the 16th August at Endocrine Clinic and I literally gasped out loud when they read the number to me. How can that be?  I had stopped weighing myself at home.  If I ignored the scales I didn't have to worry about my weight.  I stopped taking my blood pressure every morning.

I got my butt kicked by the Doctors. “What the heck has happened?”.
They offered me specialized appointments with the dietician. Walk-in clinics to weigh myself weekly.

I don’t actually need that. I like to consider myself intelligent :) I first saw a dietician when I was 14 years old. I KNOW what to eat and what not to eat. When to eat, how much to eat. Serving sizes. I’ve done Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Michelle Bridges (well, sort of ;)

My problem isn’t education. It’s something in my HEAD! lol

Let’s hope she can give me something to work on tomorrow. I need it.

I saw my Vascular Specialist on Monday. Disappointed. I hated disappointing him.

He laid it out to me in simple terms. My Cholesterol is too high. For someone who has already has a “Vascular episode” aka “a mini-Stroke” aka “Dissected Carotid Artery”....high Cholesterol can KILL me.

I pulled myself together after the 16th and I’ve been back on track for two weeks. I weigh myself tomorrow, but clothing is the biggest judge really. Already things are looser.

When I commit to something, I commit 100%. I have that fire again. That desire to be HEALTHY. That desire to be fit.

What the heck happened?
If only I knew.


Blogger Chrissy said...

Sending you good thoughts and lots of love for tomorrow's appointment Rach. Really feeling for you, you are SO important to your beautiful family and your many friends, never ever forget that. <3 Huge hugs xx

August 29, 2012 at 5:06 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Em said...

next time you see me, say to me "why?" and i'll tell you my "why". why is the reason every time we lose weight we put it on again. ironically it's nothing to do with food usually, it's about an emotional response, and they are way harder to control. food can't make you feel good or feel guilty, *WE* do that to ourselves. learning to love myself has been the biggest help for me, because i am worth the effort.. you are too xx

August 29, 2012 at 5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Rach I love your honesty with things, you will get there my dear friend. You are on the right track, keep it up. Big hugs.
Mandy D.

August 29, 2012 at 7:09 PM  

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