Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I eat to reward myself. I eat to punish myself.

Why, why, why?
Well, that is the million dollar question.

On the eve of my Psychologist appointment at the Endocrine Clinic at the PA, I thought I take the time to try and get my thoughts in order. Work out where I’ve gone wrong. Find out where I need to ask for help.

I know things derailed around Christmas time when things hit rock bottom in my relationship.

I have a fault. I lose self-worth. I lose self-worth easily. 

When things become difficult I shut down and cease to think about myself. Not in practical terms, but in actual terms.

I stop caring about my health. My well-being. My happiness. I just exist. I just get through the day.

My weight started climbing....just a little bit at a time. Not enough for me to PANIC and cause me to take action. Just....sneakily. I haven’t actually gone up any sizes in my clothing, BUT I can no longer fit into some of my favourite items :(

Sad :( It’s a vicious cycle. The tighter my clothes would become, the more depressed I would I would console myself with a scone with my coffee. Or treat myself to a White Chocolate Mocha.

I stopped exercising completely.

I weighed myself on the 16th August at Endocrine Clinic and I literally gasped out loud when they read the number to me. How can that be?  I had stopped weighing myself at home.  If I ignored the scales I didn't have to worry about my weight.  I stopped taking my blood pressure every morning.

I got my butt kicked by the Doctors. “What the heck has happened?”.
They offered me specialized appointments with the dietician. Walk-in clinics to weigh myself weekly.

I don’t actually need that. I like to consider myself intelligent :) I first saw a dietician when I was 14 years old. I KNOW what to eat and what not to eat. When to eat, how much to eat. Serving sizes. I’ve done Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Michelle Bridges (well, sort of ;)

My problem isn’t education. It’s something in my HEAD! lol

Let’s hope she can give me something to work on tomorrow. I need it.

I saw my Vascular Specialist on Monday. Disappointed. I hated disappointing him.

He laid it out to me in simple terms. My Cholesterol is too high. For someone who has already has a “Vascular episode” aka “a mini-Stroke” aka “Dissected Carotid Artery”....high Cholesterol can KILL me.

I pulled myself together after the 16th and I’ve been back on track for two weeks. I weigh myself tomorrow, but clothing is the biggest judge really. Already things are looser.

When I commit to something, I commit 100%. I have that fire again. That desire to be HEALTHY. That desire to be fit.

What the heck happened?
If only I knew.

View older posts up the top in the sidebar >>>>