I eat to reward myself. I eat to punish myself.

Why, why, why?
Well, that is the million dollar question.

On the eve of my Psychologist appointment at the Endocrine Clinic at the PA, I thought I take the time to try and get my thoughts in order. Work out where I’ve gone wrong. Find out where I need to ask for help.

I know things derailed around Christmas time when things hit rock bottom in my relationship.

I have a fault. I lose self-worth. I lose self-worth easily. 

When things become difficult I shut down and cease to think about myself. Not in practical terms, but in actual terms.

I stop caring about my health. My well-being. My happiness. I just exist. I just get through the day.

My weight started climbing....just a little bit at a time. Not enough for me to PANIC and cause me to take action. Just....sneakily. I haven’t actually gone up any sizes in my clothing, BUT I can no longer fit into some of my favourite items :(



Sad :( It’s a vicious cycle. The tighter my clothes would become, the more depressed I would get......so I would console myself with a scone with my coffee. Or treat myself to a White Chocolate Mocha.

I stopped exercising completely.

I weighed myself on the 16th August at Endocrine Clinic and I literally gasped out loud when they read the number to me. How can that be?  I had stopped weighing myself at home.  If I ignored the scales I didn't have to worry about my weight.  I stopped taking my blood pressure every morning.

I got my butt kicked by the Doctors. “What the heck has happened?”.
They offered me specialized appointments with the dietician. Walk-in clinics to weigh myself weekly.

I don’t actually need that. I like to consider myself intelligent :) I first saw a dietician when I was 14 years old. I KNOW what to eat and what not to eat. When to eat, how much to eat. Serving sizes. I’ve done Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Michelle Bridges (well, sort of ;)

My problem isn’t education. It’s something in my HEAD! lol

Let’s hope she can give me something to work on tomorrow. I need it.

I saw my Vascular Specialist on Monday. Disappointed. I hated disappointing him.

He laid it out to me in simple terms. My Cholesterol is too high. For someone who has already has a “Vascular episode” aka “a mini-Stroke” aka “Dissected Carotid Artery”....high Cholesterol can KILL me.

I pulled myself together after the 16th and I’ve been back on track for two weeks. I weigh myself tomorrow, but clothing is the biggest judge really. Already things are looser.

When I commit to something, I commit 100%. I have that fire again. That desire to be HEALTHY. That desire to be fit.

What the heck happened?
If only I knew.

update....

Vitamin D. Do you know what your level is? When I was my sickest my level was 45 (should be 50-150)
This time last year it was 106. I've been meaning to have it checked again.
I've been encouraged by a Skin Specialist to get a good balance of sunlight (without getting burnt)

_______________________________________

I spent a wonderful morning soaking up the sunshine at the beach. The conditions were ideal - hot day, cool water.
I laid on my back floating, closed my eyes and just let the waves rock me. (I went out really deep)

It was so relaxing. Why did I wait so long to experience the ocean again?
(until recently, I hadn't been in the ocean/been in togs since I was a child)

It occurred to me that I've let weight control my life. I've missed out on so much :(
I'm not a believer of "having regrets"........ but I do feel sad today that I was so limited by my body.
I lacked confidence. I lacked self-worth.
I feel like I kind of floated along through my teens and my twenties. I think there is so much I would change
if I could go back.

_______________________________________

One last thing I've realized -
Unless you've been overweight and have struggled to control your weight, you have NO idea how hard it is :(
Don't assume that someone is lazy, or ignorant or just doesn't care .....it's SO much more than that.

Most recent photo (Feb 2012)



My weight has gone up a bit.....then down a bit.....up a bit.....then down a bit. LOL
Is that just life?
Is it just a balancing act?

Does anyone actually stay the same weight without trying?

How can I encourage my......{insert person here}

This is something I've been asked a fair bit lately.

"I'm concerned about my mother/brother/sister. (you get the picture)
How can I get them to lose weight like you?"

Plain and simple.

You can't.

It's sad, but true.

I resisted help every step of the way. I ignored it. I pretended I wasn't overweight.
If ANYONE had mentioned losing weight to me I would have been mortified. And shattered.

My doctor told me to lose weight from time to time. I didn't listen. I didn't care.

It was a decision that I had to come to on my own. You have to want it with every piece of you.
No one else can do it for you.

The best advice I could give you as an onlooker......don't be an enabler.

not just an ordinary whiny post.....

(click on photo to view larger)




2011 - Good Bye!

I've been reflecting on the year of 2011 as it draws closer to the end.
I was stuck on "good riddance to a completely crap year",
but dwelling on negativity has never been my style. At least, not since I started those drugs. (Jokes! :)

So, in order to embrace all that is good in life, here's some of the highlights that made 2011 a GREAT year!

I reached major (MAJOR) milestones in my weight loss and health. My blood pressure is normal,
my bloods all normal.
Nearly all of my Specialists have bid me farewell. I've dropped 6 (SIX) dress sizes.
I'm nearly free of all medication.

I gained confidence. I've met new people - made new friends and rediscovered old friends.
I learnt to try new foods and drinks. Experience new adventures.
I'm stronger and more independent than ever before.

I inspire people. ME. The person who resolved every.single New Years Eve that this year, will be the year
that I change my life. Lose weight. Get fit. Get healthy. Start living. To think that I am someone's inspiration
just amazes me.

I have learnt to trust my INSTINCTS again. Actually, my instincts were never wrong. I just stopped listening to them.

I thought 2010 was a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year. Guess what?
Bad stuff happened. I nearly DIED. But look at the GOOD that eventuated from that year.

I can't see it right now, but maybe this time next year
I'll look back and be amazed at the GOOD that resulted from the bad in 2011???


Oh yes I am wise, but it's wisdom born of pain. Yes, I've paid the price, but look how much I gained.
........Oh wait. I think I just became a plagiarist lol

50 kgs....

It's so close I can almost touch it :)

I've been walking/jogging most mornings. Adding in some Zumba. Games of basketball with the kids etc.
I'm getting there and I hope to reach the magic 50kg loss mark by Christmas.

I'm almost certain of my reward........Cassie gave me the idea....

I'm going to jump out of a plane lol

Given how ironic my life is, this is more dangerous for me than most, haha ;)

It's been too long....

It's been so long since I've visited this blog, that I was actually shocked when I saw the photo of myself in the header.
I found this photo today. It was the day before the dissection occurred.
(my pupils are they same size in this photo)




When I was lying in my hospital bed, I made a lot of deals with myself. With God. I had nothing but time to think.
One of the things I regretted was have SO LITTLE photos of myself with my kids.
I promised myself that I would be in more photos with them. There would be more photos of ME.

These were taken in the weeks after I left hospital. (click on the photo below to view)
I can't even put into words what I was going through here.
My head was a MESS. (tears just thinking about it) I felt horrible, I looked horrible.....but these are happy
memories of times with my children. All I can see is how little they look and how fast time goes.
And I'm so completely grateful that I'm here to see them grow. I urge you to BE in photos no matter how
you feel about yourself xx
(I've also included the most recent photo of Aria and myself.....hopefully you can tell which one it is, haha :)




I've always been completely honest and open about this journey and what I've gone through. Struggled with.
But it got to the point where I couldn't write anything without compromising the privacy of others in my life. (namely my husband)
Fair enough too - he didn't sign up for this.

I finally feel ready to share a little bit about what's been going on. (with Mark's okay)
Quite some time ago, I read an article that listed the statistics of failed marriages when one of the partners had experienced a significant weight loss. (I wish I could remember where I read it now)
I do remember that the information stuck with me.....and really annoyed me (lol) and
I swore it wouldn't affect my marriage.
In my naivety, I was thinking about it from the perspective of "the person who has lost weight".
I knew my feelings wouldn't change towards my husband just because I now look different.

What I didn't realize, is how difficult it would be for HIM to see me change. To become more confident and outgoing.
My marriage fell apart in front of my eyes. It was neither his fault, nor mine. It was both of our fault.
We've been through too much crap with my health, his health, kid dramas.
Add insecurity, depression and anxiety - we were doomed.
The last months have been HARD :( The last 17 MONTHS have been hard.

I will be okay. I'm excited about what the future holds for me and I feel stronger and healthier than ever before.

_______________________________________________________

looking back...

from January 1st, 2011

"I can remember standing at the bottom of the stairs at Luna Park, Sydney (June 2010) and looking at
them in dismay. I gave Mark my camera bag, told him to go ahead and I'd meet him at the top.
I struggled up those stairs, my breathing was labouring heavily, my legs felt like jelly and I clutched the
sides and pulled myself up. My chest actually ached when I reached the top and I wondered if I would
have a heart attack. When we flew home the sides of the seat were literally digging in to me and I had to
contort my body to do up the seatbelt and I spent the entire flight with it strangling me.
What was I doing to myself :(

New me. I'm tempted to fly back to Sydney and run up those stairs just because I know I could now :)"


Sydney - August 2011. I ran those stairs three times :)