where I'm coming from...

Just a reminder of the "before"
Hard for me to look at :( but a good reminder just the same.


9 months ago I was wearing large size 26, I'm now size 16. Would love to get to a 12-14.

Click to view

travels....

I had my first panic episode in months and months this morning.
It came out of nowhere, nothing triggered it that I can think of. (except maybe below)
I was out shopping with Aria, quickly left the shops and by the time I got home I
was feeling better again. Strange.

I watched Rescue Special Ops last night. Does anyone else have certain shows that
trigger feelings or memories?
When I came home from hospital and I was my sickest and weakest, I spent whole days on the couch
(avoiding my bed) watching back to back episodes of RSO. (from the first season to the current one)

When the song came on last night it made me feel sick! It took me straight back to last July/August.

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I spent the last four days in Perth. I was supposed to go last August (I had something like 12 sessions lined up)
but I put the flight into credit and it was time to use it or lose it. (lots of $$$)

I made the decision only to take on a very small amount of work and to also have a "day off" while we were there.
This was my first trip back doing interstate sessions, so I wanted to ease back into it.

A couple of big moments for me......and ones that you probably won't get unless you are (or have been)
extremely overweight.

The seats were small. I fit the seatbelt around me WITH ROOM TO SPARE.
I've flown before with my seatbelt digging into me the whole way (pulled within millimeters of its life to reach around me)
I've also flown before with it NOT DONE UP. (It wouldn't reach.....and I was too embarrassed to ask for an extender :(

The tray table folded down onto my lap without touching my body. Another big accomplishment.
In the past, I've either given it a miss altogether or had it sitting on an angle as it rested on my body :(

One last good moment - I've had a haircut/colour and I'm wearing new clothes.
Mark didn't recognize me TWICE LOL
(looking for me in the crowd - he couldn't spot me :)

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Food wise - things were so-so. It was tricky keeping tabs on the time difference / meal times etc.
We ate out for every meal and I found it difficult to find healthy choices. Or even LIGHT choices.
Everything was big serving sizes or heaps of chips, big pieces of meat, served on bread etc.
I was SO sick of food and eating by the time we got back. I was excited to get back into routine this morning.
Looking forward to lots of salad and wraps and fish this week :)
I stuck to my eating plan really well (choices) and left bread on the plate or chips etc,
but sucked at serving sizes. (overate a few times)

Exercise - I did awesome. Mostly thanks to Mark. We walked heaps and heaps.
Walked about 1km to dinner, then back. Had a long walk before breakfast etc.
Lots of shopping/walking. Every time we encountered an escalator I took the stairs.
I felt really energetic and happy. Sore feet....but that comes with the job :)

No panic feelings or anxiety on the plane. Didn't need any "happy pills".
No headaches. Didn't worry about my blood pressure at all.
(Didn't even bring the cuff, so had a five day break from it)
Haven't weighed in - I'm going by the fit of my clothes....especially my new jeans LOL
(weight is worked out on the number of jumps it takes to get into them *snort*)

A very successful trip.
I've come a loooong way since being scared to go to Stradbroke Island :)
(seriously. Stradbroke Island = no hospital = fear of dying in my mind)

Some photos. Click to view.
(Don't judge me on my shoes - I went for comfort :P )

clothes!

I've had to buy myself some clothes in the last couple of days -
Perth this weekend and Melbourne the following weekend.

I actually ENJOYED myself!!!! :)

Quote of the day from Aria though......"Why are you jumping up and down to get your jeans on??" LOL
(I told her, that's just what girls do :P )

I've realized that my wardrobe is made up of black, grey and navy......but I'm okay with that.
Those colours are ME and I'm naturally drawn to them.
I figure I can add splashes of colour (red is my favourite) with accessories and shoes :)

I've been shopping in "everyday/standard" stores. IE - not stores for larger sizes.
It's a weird feeling. It's been many years since I've been able to do that.

The lady at Autograph knows me by name and was amazed when I was in the store today LOL
"You've lost some weight!!!" I tried some jumpers on but they were too big - yay! :)
I'm still at a weird in between size though - sometimes too small for PLUS size and sometimes too big for STANDARD sizes.
Motivates me to get to the next size down though :)

Perhaps one of my favourite responses has been from a family member that I haven't seen in a long time...
"You're looking BLOODY GOOD cuz" :) :)

Photo from today -
(really hard to tell my body shape from this photo.....but I like these jeans :) :) click to view

new photo

Taken at a family wedding on the weekend.
Thanks to Donna for taking this one (and for handling my camera :P )

Still hate my hair :P (MUST make an appointment for this week)

learn from my mistakes....

If you don't know what your BP is, find out.....AND take it seriously!

caught my eye....

I've discovered these recently....



They're GOOD!!!! LOL
I went off the WW bars after I ate 1/2 a mouldy Ginger Kiss (ewwww - still can't look at them)
but these were on special and I decided to give them a try.

They're almost too sweet for me, so I need to have them with a cup of tea, but I look forward
to one for morning tea when I can. (I check it thoroughly for mould before biting - hah!)


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I found this reallllly cool singlet top from Target of all places.
It has no seams and no tags - it's also reversible - so you can wear the round neck or the v neckline.
It's made from Nylon/Elastane, so it clings and ((sucks)) and smoothens. It's also quite long on me -
covering my hips and coming to the top of my legs. (I hate singlet tops that are too short)
Best part - it was something like $12 (underwear section)





I wear it underneath shirts and jumpers etc (that's what I was wearing in the photo a little further down)

an assortment of thoughts.....

I've found a negative to weight loss - I'm feeling the COLD!!

In the past, Mark has always referred to me as an oven when I sleep.
(Now if you know me, you KNOW that I can't go any further without making some
reference to the fact that I'm hot in bed :P )

Usually I sleep in a Summer nightie all year round and add a quilt in Winter.
This week (unusually cold in the first place) I wore long pants, long sleeves, SOCKS and two quilts
and my hands and feet were still like ice.

I remember this from when I lost weight with Optifast about 4 years ago, but
this has been the first time I've noticed it this time around.

As a side note - I've lost more weight on my own than I did with Optifast.
I think I lost about 38 kgs with Optifast.
When I fell pregnant with Aria I put all of that back on
(during the pregnancy and the two years afterwards) plus more :(

Optifast is great for rapid weight loss and a great motivator as it's easy to see results.
Would I recommend it? No.
I can go into my reasons why if anyone is interested.

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The hospital visit went as well as can be expected.
I was to visit the Sleep Disorder Clinic at the request of my Hypertension Doctors to rule out
Sleep Apnea as a cause of High Blood Pressure.
It was a waste of time (I felt) as I don't have sleep issues any longer.
On the upside - I'm in the "system" and I'm now a patient of the Sleep Clinic, so my
Doctors can order a sleep study (night time stay) at anytime.
Fingers crossed there will never be a need.

A strange moment. I was seen by one of the staff before the actual doctor and she had to measure
my weight and height.
She got embarrassed and started stammering and apologising.
By the way she was acting I thought she was going to ask me to take my clothes off,
but she was actually apologising for WEIGHING ME.
Wow.
I could have told her my exact weight - I weigh every day almost LOL
It made me realise that *I* know how far I've come, but to a person off the street
I must still look overweight :(
Kind of depressing really.

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Going back to the PA was hard :( The feeling hit me unexpectedly.
That horrible anxiety when I walked past the "Transit Lounge" where I spent some of the most horrifying
moments of my life.
I got a little frustrated and cranky at myself for letting the anxiety in, but I can't control it.

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BP has been a little on the low side again and I've had a couple of episodes of lightheadedness,
so I've been given the go ahead today to start decreasing another one of my medications.
Great news on that front.
(Even just financially - hah! You wouldn't believe what I'm spending per month on medication)

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It was a tough week last week (routine-wise) but I stayed on track with my exercise and tried to
eat as normally as I could. (hard when work overlaps with meal times etc)

wear a bra when exercising....

41.5 kgs lost

I've found the same dress for my family photos in a smaller size - yay! :)
I was dreading having to start over in the great-dress-hunt.
Thanks to Leanne for the suggestion of ringing around to find a smaller one.
Why didn't I think of that!?! LOL

I just had the yummiest lunch.
I made chicken satay skewers (leftover from last night) on a herb wrap with heaps of fresh salad.

Why did I ever used to eat the crap I did?
I can say in all honesty that I would never ever call it delicious.
Okay, maybe chocolate was delicious :P
but I'm talking about things like takeaway...
greasy burgers and chicken, chips, diet coke etc. I don't miss that AT ALL.
(the thought of diet coke actually turns my stomach)

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I've found another form of exercising -
KINECT

All of the kids and I have challenges against each other.
I have no idea what game we're playing (or even what I'm doing) but boy - you have to move lol

It takes photos of you as you play....
Funniest photo -
Me jumping in the air holding onto my boobs :p

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Back to the PA hospital tomorrow. I haven't been in a while, so it's been a nice break.
Sleep Study clinic this time.
This appointment was put into the system about 6 months ago and it's only popped up now. ( :/ )

I thought I would get out of going, but my GP has encouraged me to go -
just to tick off one more box.

I've had no sleep issues for months - no medication needed to sleep, no anxiety at bedtime/dark,
no nightmares, no insomnia and no snoring.
Fingers crossed it will be an easy appointment and I won't have to go back again.

photoshoot

I had to postpone our family session - I was otherwise detained
(photographing my nephew as he entered the world <3 )

We have set a new date - a few weeks from now.
I'm going to have to exchange my dress *groan*

It was on the verge of too large as it was, so in four more weeks, it definitely will be.
(mostly in the bodice - hmpf!)

I'm going to try to find the same dress in a smaller size, fingers crossed :)

Recent photo (today) -

I did it, I did it......

I had actually decided NOT to weigh this morning.
If I hadn't reached this goal, I knew I'd be disappointed.

But there's something between me and my scales.
I can't help BUT look. (obsessive, I'm the first to admit)

I put in the hard work this week and it paid off.....

I have officially lost 40kgs.

Oh, I can't tell you how good it feels to say that.
I tiptoed around it for weeks.
I'd get closer...and then move in the other direction. Then repeat.

I'm finally there and am looking forward to adding to that loss.

Family photos today - a nice way to celebrate :)

going and going and going

Going well! I've been exercising every day and have been managing my food intake perfectly.

I'll weigh-in Saturday morning (before family photos) and will report on what I've achieved.

a-ha!

I've had a bit of a lightbulb moment.

I haven't been losing weight for the last month or so....I've been maintaining my weight.

There's a big difference.

Sure, maintaining my weight is a valuable lesson to learn
(and I feel kinda confident of doing that now when I reach goal)
but I'm not ready to maintain yet.
I still have many kilos to lose!

I think it was that darn 40 kg goal that triggered this.
I became relaxed.
I allowed myself to have slightly bigger servings at times - but would work off those extra calories with exercise.

So - I'm back!

For the past two days I've been perfect with my servings.
I will exercise every day.
I will allow myself ONE Chai Latte as a treat per week :) (I'm very addicted to them LOL)

By the time I have my family photos next weekend, I will have reached 40kgs.......or it'll kill me trying - ha!

kj....

Thanks to everyone who messaged me after I posted about Kaden.
I hesitated posting about it......I felt disloyal or something?
I can't believe how many of you have gone through something similar, or know someone who has.
Makes me feel less alone.

First appointment is this coming week.
We're on a "mental health plan" so we'll be covered under Medicare.
I think the plan is to attend every week for a while. (Mark, Kaden and I)
but naturally we'll find out more once we've actually been.

The worst of his behaviour is aimed at ME *sniff* so I can honestly say it's been a nightmare :(